Sad in private.

So, this week started out happy, then very sad. Starting from about Tuesday morning, I believed that I could be pregnant. We are trying for a baby and I really am ready to have one now. Stella turned 3 this June and I'd like to have another one before she's much past the age of 4. So I bought 2 tests on Thursday morning after dropping Stella off at grandma's. When I got home I took the test. The result, while extremely faint, was still a positive. I told myself that I would take another Friday morning as a way to lock in my beliefs and then schedule an appointment with a doctor in order to prove it. So Friday morning I take yet another test. And, while still very faint, it was a positive. The reason I felt so strongly that I was pregnant was because with Stella, it was also very faint, and I was sure that I was not pregnant, but TAH DAH, obviously I was. So, I was very excited on my way to work. But, when I arrived, something didn't feel right so I went to the bathroom and to my horror, my period had started, but not in the normal way that it goes. All ladies have their routines of how things start and mine just wasn't normal. So, I don't know what i am to call it, but the day just got shittier from there, I won't go in to that, but it got much worse before it got better. It involves dealing with my insurance switching to an HMO, having to talk with a doctor I don't know with an accent so thick I can't understand him and wanting to bawl my eyes out all day at work because I don't make enough money to do much of anything right now until Matt is finished with school. I must work 50 or more hours a week in order to survive beyond poverty and I am so exhausted and can't help but believe that the reason I lost what I feel strongly was a pregnancy is due to all the stress that I am under. I am better today emotionally, but everything else is the same. I just need to accept the fact that I must WORK, WORK, WORK till my fingers bleed. I need to de-stress though if I'm ever to conceive fully. Another concern is the cyst they found on my ovary this summer that I fear will hinder any attempt I make. Please Lord, let me have what I so desire.

So tired. So, so, very tired.

I haven't blogged for a while because honestly I haven't had the time. I put in 10 to 15 hour days at least 5 days a week and when I'm not doing that, I'm trying to fulfill some other creative outlet or obligation that I have. It's not easy being me. Combine that with the stresses of being the breadwinner, having a 3 year old and trying to create a second little one, fitting in sleep is an increasing problem. I meant to get up at 5:30 this morning, but couldn't muster the required energy to do it, so ended up getting up at 7:30, not too bad, but I could have gotten 12 hours in today instead of my 10. Oh well, when people get old, they don't talk about how they should have worked more now do they.

I am creating a new kit for KJoi right now that I am really proud of and hope that it sells well. Once I get the preview done, I will post it here, maybe someone besides me is looking at this blog, but I believe about 7/8 of the previews to my bio are made by me. In time my dear, in time.

I finally stood up for myself the other day, through email anyway; my balls aren't that big yet to do it face to face. I will spare the details, but will have you know, I haven't felt so good about myself and my feelings in quite a while. How many of you out there have that person or people in your life that just simply have a way of making you feel just down right dumb? Well, it is a running theme for me and I believe it started with my brother. He is the middle child, I am the oldest, and I think we have a great relationship now, but it definitely didn't used to be that way. It was not unheard of for me to be chased around the house at knife point (please don't call the police he never actually used it) but the threat was there if you know what I mean. Anyway, he always had a way of making me feel stupid about anything I did, he really had a knack for it. Even at a very young age. I believe he was only about 9 when he told me that he thought that because I had quit my dance classes, that that was the reason I was getting FAT. Wow, low blow little bro. I know I have pretty much always had low self esteem to some degree and did feel like I wasn't very smart, compared to him. And, really, all the times in school where I felt bad were either when I didn't come off smart or when someday just blatently called me a fat pig (yes, that actually did happen once to me as I walked home in high school). Kids are so cruel, it makes me worry about my beautiful little girl.

So, the standing up for myself I was referring to earlier. I will spare the details, but what I did was basically call someone out who has been in and out of my life that just always ends up making me feel sort of worthless and silly. So, I turned the mirror around on this person and told them that maybe they should ask people who's friendships they DO value if they've ever been hurt by something they've said. This person is very savvy and charismatic, I'm a little jealous of their ability to maneuver in given situations, but not at the expense in which they hurt people in a truly scathing manner.

It does feel good sometimes to be a titch bit bitchy!

WOW! September 1st Already.

Can't believe how fast this summer/this year has gone by, it feels like just yesterday that we bought our first home and here it is nearly one year later. We actually signed the paper on Friday, October 13th (bad omen right, no) but we moved in the weekend before Halloween. We spent sooooooo long, longing and looking for our first house, that I wish the days would slow down, so I felt like I could enjoy it more. I took Stella clothes shopping today at Children's Place, I love that store. If I were me at 3, I would've had a wonderful time. Matt told me all the clothes I picked out are like things I would wear, they were of course, why else would I buy them. I didn't buy Stella anything she didn't like, I'd sooner throw the money in the garbage, because she'd have a huge fit and not wear it. She only turned 3 June 9th, is this possible for her to have an eye for fashion already? I was in denial that she was getting bigger and that just because she was 3 meant she was a 3T, well at her 3 year doc appointment she was already 3.5 feet tall and now I am sure it's closer to 4 feet, suddenly everything is way too short. I don't know where she gets it, I'm only 5'4" and her dad isn't quite 6', maybe she's a freak of nature or destined to be a runway model. So, took her shopping, which she loves by the way, and she kept going around the store saying "We should get this mom," or "Ooohhh, backpacks, I'm gonna need this for my school soon." I said, sure baby, in about 2 years we'll get it for you. She was even cracking up another woman who was shopping in the store. She always makes me laugh, even when she's being a baddy, I just have to laugh. I tell people, if I'm laughing, it's keeping me from crying. Right?!

My back was killing me earlier while we were shopping and now it's sort of OK, I think it's due to me sitting on my couch and using my computer. Not very ergonomic huh? I'm going to be in the designer spotlite in our next newsletter coming out September 20th, check us out over at www.kjoistudios.com It's a very cool spot and every single person over there is hella talented. I will offer a huge kit I am making especially for that issue at a price reduction of 15%. It's going to have some really cute little elements in it.

Well, I think for today, that's enough, I need to clean my studio and get my computer back to a place where I won't hurt my back anymore. Toodles.