Sad in private.

So, this week started out happy, then very sad. Starting from about Tuesday morning, I believed that I could be pregnant. We are trying for a baby and I really am ready to have one now. Stella turned 3 this June and I'd like to have another one before she's much past the age of 4. So I bought 2 tests on Thursday morning after dropping Stella off at grandma's. When I got home I took the test. The result, while extremely faint, was still a positive. I told myself that I would take another Friday morning as a way to lock in my beliefs and then schedule an appointment with a doctor in order to prove it. So Friday morning I take yet another test. And, while still very faint, it was a positive. The reason I felt so strongly that I was pregnant was because with Stella, it was also very faint, and I was sure that I was not pregnant, but TAH DAH, obviously I was. So, I was very excited on my way to work. But, when I arrived, something didn't feel right so I went to the bathroom and to my horror, my period had started, but not in the normal way that it goes. All ladies have their routines of how things start and mine just wasn't normal. So, I don't know what i am to call it, but the day just got shittier from there, I won't go in to that, but it got much worse before it got better. It involves dealing with my insurance switching to an HMO, having to talk with a doctor I don't know with an accent so thick I can't understand him and wanting to bawl my eyes out all day at work because I don't make enough money to do much of anything right now until Matt is finished with school. I must work 50 or more hours a week in order to survive beyond poverty and I am so exhausted and can't help but believe that the reason I lost what I feel strongly was a pregnancy is due to all the stress that I am under. I am better today emotionally, but everything else is the same. I just need to accept the fact that I must WORK, WORK, WORK till my fingers bleed. I need to de-stress though if I'm ever to conceive fully. Another concern is the cyst they found on my ovary this summer that I fear will hinder any attempt I make. Please Lord, let me have what I so desire.